


Breathe

by lucasshem



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Anxiety Disorder, Blow Jobs, Fluff and Angst, Luke has anxiety, M/M, Slow Build, Social Anxiety, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-26 07:46:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13853223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucasshem/pseuds/lucasshem
Summary: Luke cares too much about what other people think. Ashton doesn't care enough.orWhere Luke and Ashton are soulmates, but Luke has anxiety.





	Breathe

Graduation day, possibly Luke's worst nightmare. Don't get him wrong, he's ready to be done with high school just as much as anyone else, but the whole graduation process is nothing but anxiety fuel for the boy. Having to line up behind all of his fellow classmates in a ridiculously hot outfit, only to move into the auditorium at a painfully slow pace does not sit well with the blonde whatsoever. On top of that, there's a whole room filled with parents and other people who are all staring, capturing the moment with a thousand pictures. Needless to say, Luke is scared shitless.

"Luke, are you done yet? We have to get going or we'll be late!" Liz yells from outside the bathroom door. Luke sighs quietly, shaking his head to get rid of his dreadful thoughts momentarily. Giving himself one last glance in the mirror, Luke finally emerges from the bathroom, eyes refusing to meet his mum's.

"Oh my, you look so handsome! I can't believe my baby is all grown up," Liz gushes, smiling proudly as tears begin to fill her eyes. Luke just blushes at her words, smiling small as he fiddles with the ends of his button down shirt. He's never been good with compliments as he never knows what to say in response.

Liz's comment automatically brings Luke's mind back to graduation, making all the worries come flooding back in simultaneously. What if he's under-dressed? What if he's  _over-_ dressed? What if someone takes a really bad photo of him and blasts it on the internet? What if he trips in front of everyone? What if nobody claps or cheers for him when he inevitably is forced to go up on stage? Luke is so caught up in his thoughts, that he doesn't even realize he's bitten his lip hard enough to draw blood.

"Luke!" Liz exclaims, hurriedly rushing over to her son. "Did you take your medicine today?"

"No," Luke admits ashamedly, frowning slightly. He'd been so caught up in the act of worrying that he forgot to take the one thing that's supposed to help him  _not_  worry.

"It's okay. Just please try not to be so forgetful next time," Liz sighs, plastering a smile on her face as she goes to fetch her youngest son his medicine.

Luke's frown remains as he keeps his gaze on his mother's retreating figure. He absolutely hates being reminded about how he's such a burden to everyone in his family, and even to the people outside of that circle. He wishes he could just be a normal teenager, one who doesn't have a crippling fear of social interaction. One who doesn't worry excessively everyday about the mere act of going to school, or even just leaving the comforts of his home. One who doesn't give a shit about what people think. He just wants to be normal. At least then he wouldn't feel like he's weighing everyone down.

"Here you go, honey," Liz says, thrusting the pills into Luke's hand. "Hurry up and swallow them so we can get going."

Luke does as told, hurriedly shoving the tablets into his mouth as he makes his way to the car. There's nothing but the small hum of the radio filling the vehicle as Liz starts the engine before speeding down the road. Luke can't help but find the silence deafening, the radio being of no help to stop the anxiety from creeping into Luke's mind. Luckily, Liz senses her son's discomfort as he stares out the window.

"Hey," Liz whispers, gently placing a reassuring hand on Luke's knee without taking her eyes off the road. "Everything will be okay, I promise. I know you're worried about making a fool of yourself in front of everybody, but believe me when I say you won't. Everybody will be much too focused on the ceremony and who they're there for to even pay the slightest bit of attention to you, okay? The only person who will be looking at you is me, and there's absolutely nothing you could do to make me feel indifferent about you. Just focus on the fact that you're graduating,  _graduating_! You get to leave high school, and everybody in it, behind to start a new life, one where you don't have to hold yourself back. You won't have to see the same people everyday, leaving room for you to finally be comfortable with who you are. So just hang in there for today, it'll all be over before you know it."

Luke stares awestruck at his mum's side profile; he's honestly speechless. Liz's words go straight to his heart, successfully terminating all of his negative thoughts revolving around graduation for the time being. His eyes glaze over with tears as he gives his mum a thankful nod. He's glad Liz is the only one who could make it to his graduation today, because as much as he loves his brothers and his dad, they are absolutely no help when it comes to calming his nerves. His mum is the only one who truly understands him, and for that, he is forever grateful.

As Liz parks the car, Luke is still staring at her in amazement. Liz chuckles, shaking her head as she squeezes Luke's knee.

"Come on, sweetheart." Liz encourages, causing Luke to snap out of his awe induced state. Luke's eyes widen and his heartbeat spikes up once more as he realizes where he is. Swallowing his fears as best he can with a deep breath, he hesitantly gets out of the car.

Luke studies the crowd of overly emotional parents and relatives flooding into the school, frowning slightly at the mere size of the crowd. All those people are going to be staring at him. Sure, they won't be entirely focused on him, but they will still be staring in his general direction, making it  _feel_  as though they're looking directly at him. Luke sighs, subtly looking over at his mum to find that she's sporting an obnoxiously big grin. The blonde smiles small himself, shaking his head to try and get rid of all the intruding thoughts. He tries focusing on his mum's words from earlier; briefly closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. The only opinion that matters is hers, he tells himself, opening his eyes again as they finally enter the school.

"I'm going to find a seat," Liz speaks up as the pair near the auditorium entrance. "Please try to stay as calm as possible, okay? I love you and am so incredibly proud of you, just remember that."

Luke nods at his mum's words, giving her a brief hug and mumbling an 'I love you too' into her hair.

The two part ways, leaving Luke to make the dreaded trip to the gym. He pulls his lip ring in between his teeth, fiddling with it out of nervous habit. He still can't believe he let Jack get him drunk enough to where he was willing to go along with the idea. Nor can he believe the licensed professional was willing to give him the piercing whilst he was clearly intoxicated. If Luke had been sober, he wouldn't have gone within even 100 feet of the place. Though, he can't say he doesn't like it. Luke doesn't like a lot of things about himself, but his lip ring isn't one of them. He thinks it suits him, or in Jack's words, it makes him look 'hot.'

Too busy reminiscing, Luke opens the door leading to the gym without so much as a second thought. He's immediately overwhelmed by all the students and faculty running around like crazy making last minute preparations. He walks away from the doorway, but still stays near the wall in fear of getting too close to the large crowd of people. He scans the room, eyeing the groups of people. Most are groups of friends who are laughing, clearly enjoying each other's company. Of course, he doesn't miss the popular group, not when  _he's_  there. He's surrounded by his two best friends, Michael Clifford and Calum Hood as well as some other popular people who Luke didn't care to remember the names of. The sight of the three laughing together makes Luke's heart hurt because he knows that could be him if he didn't care so damn much about what other people think. Then again, his anxiety could be right, it usually is. He's never heard of someone rejecting their soulmate before, but Luke can assure you that he'd be the first. He has nothing while Ashton has everything, so why would the boy ever want to be with him?

Suddenly a pair of intense hazel eyes lock onto Luke's dull blue ones, making the boy forget how to breathe momentarily. He quickly looks away, despite his heart begging him not to. His face quickly flushes out of embarrassment as he subconsciously digs his nails into his tattooed wrist.

"Luke!" A shrill voice yells, bringing Luke further embarrassment as the person manages to turn a few heads at the sound of her voice. "Thank goodness you're here, I thought you weren't going to show up. Hurry and put this on," his teacher rushes out, thrusting a blue gown and cap into his arms before scurrying off.

Luke obeys her directions, slipping the horrendous piece of clothing on, trying his best to ignore the stares he knows he's getting. He doesn't put his cap on, seeing as nobody else has put theirs on yet. Instead, he leans against the wall and fiddles with the tassel attached to the little knob on top of the hat, making sure to keep his head down to avoid anymore unwanted eye contact.

It isn't long before the same high pitched voice from earlier is yelling for everybody to get in line. Luke sighs as he follows the directions being shouted at him, finding himself standing in between a girl from his math class and the infamous Calum Hood. He keeps his head down as he slips his cap on, trying his best to make his presence virtually unnoticeable. He's doing a good job at staying calm and invisible, but then he hears it; that goddamn giggle that makes his heart race in a good way. He freezes, body aching to turn around and admire the beauty of his soulmate, but he doesn't out of fear of compromising his position only to be seen as a creep. Instead, he lets a small smile appear on his face as he ducks his head even further down to hide his enjoyment. But then he's being tapped on the shoulder, forcing him to remove all signs of the emotion off his face before hesitantly turning around.

"Luke, right?" Calum asks once the boy has fully turned around, making Luke timidly nod in confirmation. Calum grins, swinging his arm around Luke's shoulder, causing Luke let out a small squeal as he's pulled closer to the kiwi. He blushes, nervously avoiding eye contact, making him miss the way Ashton's eyes light up at the sound.

"I need you to help settle an argument between me and Ash," Calum explains as Luke furrows his eyebrows, but nods nonetheless. The blonde tries his best to ignore the jealousy forming in the pit of the stomach from hearing Calum call his soulmate 'Ash,' and he assumes he's successful as Calum just continues talking. "Are tadpoles baby frogs or baby turtles?"

"They're baby turtles, right?!" Ashton chimes in, giving Luke a hopeful smile.

"Erm, no, they're baby frogs," Luke retorts quietly, feeling bad when Ashton pouts at his answer. "S-sorry."

"See, I told you!" Calum exclaims before Ashton can respond to Luke. The dark haired boy then proceeds to slap Ashton on the back of the head. "And you're supposed to be graduating in less than an hour, unbelievable. I guess the education system is letting just about anyone graduate these days."

"Hey!" Ashton pouts, rubbing the spot where Calum hit him. Luke cracks a tiny smile at the scene before him, actually feeling like he belongs for once. A stupidly big grin spreads across Ashton's face upon seeing Luke's small display of amusement, making Calum roll his eyes.

"You should just tell him n—"

"Silence!" A voice booms, successfully cutting Calum off. "Everybody return to your proper positions and wait until directions are given for you to move out into the hallway."

Everybody silently does as told, making Calum squeeze his shoulder before letting his arm slide off of Luke, successfully leaving the blonde alone with his thoughts again. Tell him what? Tell Luke or tell some other mysterious person? He desperately wants to know what Calum was about to say, but it's not like he can ask the boy. Even if he was given the opportunity, he still couldn't ask Calum directly. Just because he willingly conversed with Luke doesn't mean they're friends, and Luke is well aware of that fact.

It isn't long before Luke's line begins moving, making the boy momentarily forget about the situation with Calum in favor of focusing on the anxious feelings bubbling up within him. His mind swirls with all the possible things that could go wrong, making Luke bite his lip and duck his head again. His breathing spikes significantly as the doors to the auditorium open, allowing the lines of students to come flooding in.

Luke tries his best to focus on his mum's words from earlier, but it's proving to be much harder than he originally anticipated. Beforehand, the words brought him comfort and were able to extinguish all of his bad thoughts. Now, though, the words of encouragement are meaningless and defenseless against dark aura of his mind. He keeps his head down, trying his best to become invisible while he and his fellow classmates parade around the hall.

After what feels like a lifetime, Luke is finally allowed to rest and sit down on one of the several folding chairs lined up in the middle of the room. He hurriedly clambers down onto his designated seat, still refusing to lift his head even with the dull pain beginning to seep into his tense muscles. He probably looks like an absolute madman with his shoulders hunched, head tilted downwards, fingers digging into his thigh as he anxiously bounces his leg up and down at a rapid pace. Tears start to form in the corners of his eyes as he hears the sounds of people talking, laughing, and cheering all around him. How can they be so joyful whilst he sits here in unmitigated agony? Who knew one could feel so alone in a room full of people.

Determined to get through this and make his mum proud, Luke screws his eyes shut and focuses on his breathing rather than the actions of those around him.  _In and out, in and out, in and out_. His strategy helps calm him down slightly, allowing him to relax his muscles and loosen his grip on his thigh. Luke relishes in the feeling of his lungs expanding due to the gathering of air, only to deflate once he releases it all back out into the atmosphere as a whole new being. He loves the feeling because it reminds him that he is in fact alive. As much as Luke hates himself for being the way that he is, the blonde has yet to wish death upon himself or any other person for that matter. Sure, there are times where he just wants to disappear because he knows he's nothing but a burden to everyone, but he doesn't. He doesn't because he's still able to breathe, meaning that he hasn't given up, and that he's still able to fight back against all the negativity surrounding him like a cloud. He knows that the cloud is apart of a much bigger storm, but if he's able to defeat just one measly little ball of despair, what's to stop him from conquering the rest of them. Needless to say, the day Luke forgets how to breathe, both physically and mentally speaking, is the day that he dies.

Luke's eyes flutter open just in time to see everybody in his row stand up. He quickly follows suit, putting an abrupt end to his mellowing thoughts and an accelerated beginning to his harrowing ones. The anxiety comes back, hitting him full force as he shuffles behind the girl in front of him. The air is knocked of of him, forcing him back into the clutches of his demons, whom immediately take to suffocating him with every possible worst case scenario. Who was he kidding? Cut off the head of the snake and another will just grow in its place.

Luke's eyes burn from all the unshed tears as he silently struggles to swallow the lump building up in his throat. His throat is dry,  _oh so fucking dry_ , and it feels like it's on fire as he can't quite catch his breath. He brings a hand up to his neck, scratching at it like he's a caged animal, when in reality, he's just facing a silent war in his head. Perhaps waging a war with thy own self is the deadliest as nobody can save you except yourself, and more often than not, you were waving the white flag before the war had even begun. Either way, Luke's lungs are burning with the need for oxygen that he simply just cannot bring himself to provide. His heart is thudding violently in his chest, and it's all he can hear, all he can  _feel_ , as his body becomes heavier and his vision becomes blurrier.

"Dude, it's your turn." Calum whispers from behind the shaking boy, giving Luke's shoulder a soft nudge. Looks like that was all that Luke needed as he suddenly sucks in a sharp breath, eyes widening once he realizes the situation he's gotten himself into.

Flustered, Luke quickly stumbles his way onto the brightly illuminated stage, willing himself not to trip as he churlishly accepts the piece of paper he's being handed. His face is utterly soaked with a deep red color as he speeds his way over to the other side of the platform, subconsciously ducking his head. He almost makes it off the stage without any further embarrassment, but of course, his principal stops him to take a picture. Luke can't even will himself to smile in the slightest as he looks up towards the lens of the expensive looking camera. As soon as the flash is over and done with, Luke practically jumps off the stage, blush only deepening as he passes by several students on his way back to his chair. He doesn't dare look up, he doesn't even have to. He knows they're all looking at him, trying to contain their laughter at his pathetic excuse of an existence.

Luke gladly flops back down in his seat, burying his face in his hands as he splutters for breath. He genuinely thought he was going to die back there. He thought he was done for, and he was scared shitless, but now that he's sitting here still very much alive, he can't help but miss the feeling. The feeling of death knocking at the door because he forgot his keys, and Luke, the holder of the keys, just staring at him through the window with a smug face as he has no intention of ever inviting the manifestation of the disease in. It made him feel utterly useless, yet oh so powerful at the same time. It terrified him, yet exhilarated him. Most of all, it made him feel  _alive_ , and when you're addicted to that feeling, things start to become rather dangerous as you'll do just about anything to reach new levels of a high.

On top of this disgusting revelation, Luke is still trembling with embarrassment, and he'll probably never get over it. He cannot  _believe_  he messed everything up as bad as he did. Sure, he figured he'd stumble a bit throughout the whole experience, but never did he think he'd fuck up the entire show. People will surely remember him now. They'll probably laugh years down the road as they reminisce about their high school graduation, remembering the highlight of the whole shebang. Luke never meant to gain as much attention as he knows he did, in fact, he wanted the exact opposite. He wanted to be the person everybody forgot existed, not the person everybody remembers due to their glorious fuck up at one of the biggest events of everyone's' life.

A gentle hand places itself on Luke's knee, fingertips dancing across the rough material of his jeans, causing the blonde to flinch and take his head out of both his hands and his scarring thoughts. He doesn't look up, though, as he's too busy staring at the large limb that's made itself comfortable.

"Sorry, I just wanted to make sure that you're alright." Ashton apologizes sheepishly after feeling the way Luke quivers underneath his touch. He still very clearly manages to convey his concern for Luke through his facial expression, which consists of the slight furrow of his eyebrows and a small frown.

Luke finally looks up, eyes still not quite meeting Ashton's as he silently curses whoever decided to put the letters 'H' and 'I' right next to each other in the alphabet because here's Ashton being all cute and concerned for Luke, making the blonde want to kiss the living shit out of him. Of course, he doesn't dare go along with the hidden desire because although his anxiety is suppressed by the medicine, it's still very much there and that was extremely evident in the events from earlier.

"I'm fine," Luke mumbles hoarsely after realizing Ashton was probably waiting for him to say something. He clears his throat before once again turning away from the older male, fiddling with his fingers as he waits for Ashton to inevitably leave him in favor of going back to his friends. The moment never comes, though.

"Can you honestly tell me that while you look me in the eyes?" Ashton retorts, jaw clenching as he tightens his grip on Luke's knee. The action surprises Luke as he lets out an audible gasp, eyes remaining trained on the hand wrapped around his flesh, feeling an itch to place his own on top and intertwine their fingers.

Swallowing dryly, Luke flickers his eyes up to meet Ashton's out of determination. He opens his mouth to once again tell Ashton that he's perfectly okay, but only a small puff of air manages to escape from his parted lips as he's suddenly overwhelmed by the hot spurts of unadulterated  _love_  flowing through his veins. He feels suffocated by the heavy emotion, yet as Ashton's hazel eyes pour into his, he can't help but feel as though he's breathing in the finest air the world has to offer, like he's walking in a field filled with fresh, untouched flowers. His conflicted sentiments only further prove how Luke will never be worthy of anything Ashton has to offer. He's fucked up in the head, and he doesn't want to accidentally corrupt Ashton if they were to get too close. Just the fact that he's hesitant to confront Ashton about the whole ordeal should be enough evidence.

"I don't appreciate people lying right to my face," Ashton warns, eyes narrowing a bit as he whispers the next few words that fall from his lips. "Especially not you."

The corners of Luke's lips tilt downwards into a pout as his mind swirls with confusion. What does Ashton mean ' _especially not you_?' This is the first time Luke has ever spoken directly with Ashton, earlier being the first time he'd ever even uttered a word around the boy. So what could Ashton possibly mean?

The pair sit in silence for what feels like only a couple of minutes, but is hours in reality. They never once break eye contact, and somewhere along the line Ashton's hand migrated downwards to the middle of Luke's thigh, but Luke never even flinched, not even as the older male's fingers dug into the sides of his cloth covered flesh. This is the longest Luke's ever been able to focus on something, someone, without everything going to shit. Sure, his mind is still infested with darkness, but with Ashton staring into his soul, that darkness, that emptiness, is being dulled out by the brunette's natural shine.

" _Luke_ ," Ashton breathes out, eyes shining with what Luke can only describe as adoration, showcasing how much he yearns for the blonde sitting next to him.

"I-I—" Ashton stutters, free hand reaching up, fingertips barely grazing over Luke's soft cheek before the intimacy of the moment is ruined by the eruption of cheers from those around them. The two boys quickly pull apart, breaking whatever trance they were just in. Luke goes back to staring down at the floor, whilst Ashton just sighs and mentally curses those around him for ruining the progress he was so clearly making. He was so close to finally getting Luke to open up, or at least he thinks he was, he hopes he was. Today was the day he was finally going to confront Luke, but the perfect moment was snatched from him, leaving him hopelessly frustrated.

Luke, however, is utterly relieved. He almost caved and gave into his soulmate bond, which just goes to show how weak Luke truly is. He knows that regardless of whether or not Ashton knows they're soulmates, the boy definitely had to have felt  _something_  as that's just the nature of the whole soulmate escapade. Ashton didn't even try to fight it, though, and that scared Luke. How is he supposed to protect Ashton from damnation if neither he nor Ashton can resist the excitement of it all? He knows that he has to get as far away from Ashton as possible if he truly cares about the boy, and he does.

That's why as soon as the principal finishes saying a few parting words, Luke is gone. He doesn't stop when he hears Ashton yell after his retreating figure, begging him to wait. He doesn't even stop when he hears his mum worried cries from amidst the stands. He just keeps running, away from all his problems, away from all the judgmental people, because it's what he does best. He's never been a confrontational person, and his anxiety only makes that trait worse.

So he runs, the lump in his throat only getting bigger as his eyes fill with tears he absolutely refuses to let fall. He's having difficulties breathing properly, and he can't seem to swallow the dread piling up within him, leaving him feeling hollow. He knows he's on the verge of having a breakdown, and he's surprised he didn't have one sooner, but he still pushes himself to escape from his current reality. Luke doesn't stop once he reaches the desolate parking lot, opting only to slow down slightly so that he's able to rip off the graduation outfit he was forced to wear, throwing it down onto the dirty rubble. For once, he doesn't dare worry about the consequences of his actions, instead focusing all of his energy into getting himself away from the giant shit show that is his life.

Luke runs until his body practically collapses underneath him out of pure exhaustion, that's when he finally allows himself to break. He falls to his knees, tears falling freely from his tired eyes. It doesn't even phase him as his entire body begins to tremble with each broken sob that escapes his dry lips, successfully producing a dull ache that spreads all throughout his body like wildfire. It's similar to the way positive emotions overtook his being earlier when he was Ashton, only this time, there's no happiness that follows suit, only pain. Complete and utter pain that has Luke whimpering as it manages to invade every single part of his body. He really shouldn't be this shaken up considering he's the one who ran away in the first place, but he can't stop himself. His emotions are running astray, causing his mood to bounce all over the place, leaving him an easy target for his demons to pour in to.

That's exactly what they do, which is why Luke is kneeling in the middle of a park balling his eyes out. His heart and his brain are clashing head on, smothering him with conflicted thoughts and ideas. His heart is telling him to go be with Ashton as that's the right thing to do, but his brain is feeding him all the possible outcomes that could happen if he were to listen to his heart, all of them leaning heavily on the negativity of it all. In the end, his brain will always win as his puny heart is no match for the logistics it has to offer. He won't allow himself to get close to Ashton simply because he can't. He'd be putting them both in danger if he did. Luke knows he sounds incredibly selfish and is probably demonstrating a level of carelessness towards Ashton and his feelings, but the truth is, he cares too much about the boy for him to be able to willingly become a burden in such an intimate way.


End file.
